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My life as I believe it will never remain the same

My life as I believe it will never remain the same

Having read 'Drink' by Ann Dowsett Johnston, I Have Realised So Many Things. I have just turned 47. Within me I know I am disorganised, and in a mess but on the outside, I try to appear composed and cheerful.

While I have known for quite a while that I have issues with liquor, this book made me go up against them. however strangely support me to acknowledge I am not the only one. I found myself troubled coping with many issues in my life'. I tend to seek comfort by abusing a usage of alcohol, thus you can assume that my alcoholic addiction didn't caused by genetics or lack of self control, it was caused by myself consciously. Life was too harsh for me, specifically the part of growing up - I was unpopular at my age, my dad was a serial cheater, even my mother had low self esteem issue because she was overweight at that time, I got no one to look after me except myself. My life eventually made me an independent person.


Strangely, I never drank in secondary school. Though, I went to University at an esteemed school which prided itself on its education'.and students prided themselves on their power to party. At that moment my journey of experiencing a free youth's world began, I often behave inappropriately - I tend to got hangovers because too much drinking last night, I tend passed out, and occasionally having inappropriate sexual activities.


With a feeling of being obese the only way I knew I could engage in anything sexual with boys under the influence of alcohol was to loosen up by taking alcohol.


I woke up one day, unclad sharing a bed with some guy in a frat house in Montreal..... I remember and it is indeed a miracle I didn't get severely wounded, hospitalised or in a detention cell for arrested drunks or pregnant.


Then life goes on - I dated a nice guy, at the same time registered as a nurse and achieved a masters degree. On weekend we hang out together, occasionally drank wine together, and when I'm not together with him I would buy me a bottle for myself.

Time flew, and so did my life; I got married, had two kids and during the months preceding their birth I avoided alcohol. But then as life goes on, aging parents, ADHD child, stressed workaholic husband with infuriation problems.....wine on weekends turned into wine Thursday-Sunday.


We made our wine so there was always so much available and so I began the habit of opening a bottle every night. Without anyone's knowledge, I would make myself a drink after which I would place the glasses where no one would look for them.

Immediately after I reach home - and face the house untidy state, making the evening meal, trying to make ADHD boy concentrate on his assignment while withdrawing the other one from his iPod.....I can't help but think about mixing that drink....which I continue refilling up to the point that I finally fall asleep or lose consciousness. On waking up, I check my phone to see whom I chatted when under the influence of alcohol.


Strangely, it doesn't end there for a couple of years back I got entangled in an extramarital affair with a family friend. Luckily although I was in a very intense emotional affair with him, it never got physical, maybe a few hugs or being close with him occasionally at sport events, maybe you know the feels because I felt it was romantic, very intense and impacted my life drastically, but still luckily it never got physical I was joyous beyond words - each time my telephone showed a message...oh the surge of emotions. Frequently we visited late into the night, now and then amidst the night, while we were grinding away.


I felt really happy, happier that I had ever been. Soon the affair began to get intimate and suddenly out of the blues he ended it. I have been crushed and lamenting this loss....and the drinking expanded.

My mixed drinks alleviated me they helped the agony.

I am so embarrassed as I think back over my life. Series of my drunken journey:

  • Being Completely hammered last Christmas at a cocktail party
  • Drunk at the golden jubilee celebration of a relative.
  • Fulminating messages on my iPhone
  • Shouting fits before my children
  • Punching my better half in the face
  • When my son had a friend sleeping over I had a total scream and shout fight, but it only happened once.

I am in counselling which has been an illuminating realisation.....plus reading Ann's book and now finding out this website and reading related stories. I have a feeling that I am returning home.